Setting Limits..With Questions?

Limit setting with kids can be difficult. This relates to my former post on Discipline: what is it?
When it comes time to actually set and enforce limits there can be a couple of results. One result is that a limit is set and it is followed. Simple. Sometimes there is a bit of complaining (mildly testing limits) but ultimately the limit is followed. Then there are the times where testing limits happen on a more serious level. These are most likely to result in some form of power struggle between adult and child.

One way to manage limits and keep power struggles to a minimum is using questions. Essentially when a child "challenges" a limit they are both questioning authority and experimenting with their own power. With careful attention the adult can answer a youngster's questioning behavior with a question. Here's a very basic example:

Jane, age 7, is nearing her bedtime (8:00pm for example). It's 7:45 in this example. Bedtime is defined as being ready to get into bed, not starting the bedtime routine of reading, brushing teeth, getting PJ's on, etc. Jane begins to question and negotiate the idea of playing her new playstation game just for a little bit before bed. Although this is a basic test of a bedtime agreement it is one that could turn ugly if allowed to.

[sidebar: To help this work, adults and kids need to negotiate "rules" as kids grow and expand their need for power and freedom. Sometimes the word -rule- can set up a negative script, I prefer the use of an agreement. An agreement is inherently inclusive of both parties participation.

Question #1

"Jane is it getting close to 8:00, and, is there enough time for everything else to be taken care of first to keep our bedtime agreement?" The use of this question encourages a couple of things:

• responsibility in Jane, for she retains some power and is forced to practice some self monitoring skills regarding her remaining minutes until the bedtime agreement.

• a presupposition that includes holding to the "agreement" or agreed bedtime for Jane. By presupposing the adult is not forced to argue or make a "top-down" decision...it is a negotiation.

Now if Jane holds firm and says "But I really just want to try my new game..." and it looks like she is going to press this, what then?

Question #2

"I hear that you want to play it really badly, and have you considered how that will affect your bedtime and ability to play your game tomorrow? "

• The use of the word --and-- instead of --but--. Language is powerful. When we hear "yes, but..." we automatically feel a sense that our idea was defeated. In this example you are validating her wish to play AND refocusing her on the consequences of breaking her agreement.

• still the adult is not taking an authoritative stance, but is guiding Jane to think and evaluate consequences. This might not have gotten this far if the adult went right to "rule enforcement" mindset.

• there is still room for "rule enforcement" but we have introduced the possibility that Jane can make the right choice for herself and this practice of decision making will encourage it's own sense of power and freedom. It encourages self-discipline and self-control.

Although this example is very basic and may seem too simplistic most of us could agree that the biggest power struggles happen of very small issues, even among adult relationships. By using questions that empower, not dis-empower, we can foster self-discipline and encourage responsibility while often getting what we desire. Not a bad result!