Is Belonging Important?

I recently was listening to a story about a 10 year old boy who felt like killing himself. In fact, he nearly attempted to with a knife before his parents intervened. Tragic and all too common.

He's become known as the evil child in a growing family since his parents divorced when he was quite young. He visits his father for summers and is with his brother and two half siblings during the school year. His parents are hard working, caring, and intelligent professionals. How can this happen?

It brings me back to the fundamental need for all people: belonging. This boy feels left out and alone. He does not feel accepted by his step father, as there have now been two children to come after he was for years the youngest child in the newly formed family. Feeling left out in these situations of blended families is of huge importance and demands significant attention from the parents.

Is That All It Takes?

Is that all it takes to go to such extremes? Well, when other "warning signs" have not attracted enough attention to a childs desperate attempts to communicate, it can lead to more severe attempts to communicate such as self harm, running away, or even increasing mischief type behavior (conduct disorder). If a child can communicate assertively and is really listened to, most likely we don't see these extreme measures.

Recognize:

We must recognize that at least 90% of behavioral problems have a source of imbalance. Most often, a fundamental emotional need isn't being met. We can categorize the basic needs as William Glasser did years ago: Love, Power, Freedom, Fun, and Belonging. This child didn't feel like he belonged anymore...he felt left out and unaccepted. The feeling became reinforced over time when his negative attention seeking behaviors led to a further feeling of rejection.

Search for the answer in an honest and open way, considering our basic psychological needs.