I have to share this story...
From an experience in the Special Education School I work at:
This is an eight year old. Goofy kid really. He's got two buck-teeth that remind you of "Mater" in the movie "Cars". And oh...by the way... he tells a story (lie) at least once a minute! Anyway, here's the "story." We'll call him "Mater" :) (It's the best analogy I can think of...)
Our school was at an annual field day. We have only about 45 kids in our school, an intense behavioral and emotionally disturbed group. During the field day kids pick certain activities such as fishing, basketball, hiking, etc. "Mater" chose fishing.
Dialog:
Mater: I got one, I got one Mrs. G! (he tells one of the teaching staff).
Mrs. G: Pull it in Mater!
(Mater reeled it in...and got the fish on shore. He goes to touch the fish and says in astonishment...
Mater: Oh my God Mrs. G, the fish is WET!!!!!!!
That's our Mater...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Raising Strong Kids Is Hard Work
It's not all peachy. Let me take a break from my "work" with children and reflect on my own parenting.
Trust me, it's not pretty at times. Parents have really the hardest job in the world! Parents give, then give a little more, then give even more, and sometimes, even if they give everything they have it's not enough! Parenting is like a Bad Credit Card with super high interest! It feels like it will never end!
But let's slow down...there must be an upside to all this!
Of course there is but it is hard to see, hear, and feel at times. So, how can parents like us survive? I thought about this for a while before writing today. Here's what I came up with today (30 minutes thought).
Trust me, it's not pretty at times. Parents have really the hardest job in the world! Parents give, then give a little more, then give even more, and sometimes, even if they give everything they have it's not enough! Parenting is like a Bad Credit Card with super high interest! It feels like it will never end!
But let's slow down...there must be an upside to all this!
Of course there is but it is hard to see, hear, and feel at times. So, how can parents like us survive? I thought about this for a while before writing today. Here's what I came up with today (30 minutes thought).
- Inoculate: Give yourself a prevention "shot". What's that? It's basically self talk and rehearsing that kids can be difficult, and will be difficult at times. Keeping yourself AWARE of this is therapy in itself.
- Time-Out!: Yes, you have permission to take time out. Be imaginative, get some time away with a friend, by yourself at a starbucks, or with your spouse! (Yes, it's sometimes good to spend time with the one you fell in love with).
- Read: reading about parenting, kids, and communication really can be helpful. Soon I will post a suggested reading list but please comment to this blog and suggest your own helpful reading too.
- Don't Label: Try not to label your child too quickly. I work in a world of "labeled" kids. "Emotionally Disturbed", "Behaviorallys Disturbed", "Learning Disabled", and the whole DSMIV Manual of Mental disorders...Don't label your kid...kids are kids..they are all different. Labels only help if you benefit from an understanding of it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
A Trying Day...
As I have mentioned before, I run a crisis intervention/support room for a special education school. The school houses 42 children ages 5-15. They are nearly all classified emotionally disturbed (ED). Some are multiply disabled and dually diagnosed kids (not in the classical sense of substance abuse and a mood disorder) with issues of mild to moderate mental retardation coupled with significant emotional disturbance.
Our school is specifically designed to challenge and change disruptive behavior and assist children who experience significant emotional breakdown in many innovative and standard ways. One thing that comes up ALL the time is the problem of discipline versus support.
I'll tell you right now, no one has more experience with this dilemma that I do. I'm not boasting and I'm not super proud of this. I'm just telling you that as a clinical social worker and crisis counselor, I receive over 1800 referrals each 10 month school year. These range from minor emotional/attitude/behavioral episodes to major explosive events.
There are many models of crisis intervention out there to help people prepare themselves for such intense events. And I do recommend that interested and involved professional take part in formal training for crisis intervention. At the same time, over years of practice I have found that it's not the training that leads to successful intervention. True, the ideas help significantly, IF USED PROPERLY. Most often, if boils down to a couple of basic, genuine, counseling skills. Maybe even just HUMAN skills.
1. Empathy
2. Attentive Listening Skills
3. Awareness of the people and environment (antecedents?)
4. The ability to shape and form a conversation, with or without! words!
Anyway, today was tough. Challenged by a "dually diagnosed" student who is borderline psychotic, mildly mentally retarded (yet very clever in a manipulative way). On top of this we had a 9 year old who developmentally is at a toddler level and having a behaviorally disruptive day. He was seen in crisis over 5 times and may have broken our $700 video camera, along with some personal items! All this over a math sheet asking him to add 7+2.
The students we see, like many others, are really really hard to write about. There are so many qualities that can't be described correctly. I suppose that if you were a professional writer and followed the work that we do you could somehow adequately describe the experience. Maybe.
Today was hard, last week was hard, last month was harder. I am on the lookout for hope, change, and action in the lives of the most difficult kids we serve.
Our school is specifically designed to challenge and change disruptive behavior and assist children who experience significant emotional breakdown in many innovative and standard ways. One thing that comes up ALL the time is the problem of discipline versus support.
I'll tell you right now, no one has more experience with this dilemma that I do. I'm not boasting and I'm not super proud of this. I'm just telling you that as a clinical social worker and crisis counselor, I receive over 1800 referrals each 10 month school year. These range from minor emotional/attitude/behavioral episodes to major explosive events.
There are many models of crisis intervention out there to help people prepare themselves for such intense events. And I do recommend that interested and involved professional take part in formal training for crisis intervention. At the same time, over years of practice I have found that it's not the training that leads to successful intervention. True, the ideas help significantly, IF USED PROPERLY. Most often, if boils down to a couple of basic, genuine, counseling skills. Maybe even just HUMAN skills.
1. Empathy
2. Attentive Listening Skills
3. Awareness of the people and environment (antecedents?)
4. The ability to shape and form a conversation, with or without! words!
Anyway, today was tough. Challenged by a "dually diagnosed" student who is borderline psychotic, mildly mentally retarded (yet very clever in a manipulative way). On top of this we had a 9 year old who developmentally is at a toddler level and having a behaviorally disruptive day. He was seen in crisis over 5 times and may have broken our $700 video camera, along with some personal items! All this over a math sheet asking him to add 7+2.
The students we see, like many others, are really really hard to write about. There are so many qualities that can't be described correctly. I suppose that if you were a professional writer and followed the work that we do you could somehow adequately describe the experience. Maybe.
Today was hard, last week was hard, last month was harder. I am on the lookout for hope, change, and action in the lives of the most difficult kids we serve.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Kid Quote Memories
I didn't think of adding a section to this blog about the most fun and enchanting quotes that kids make. I should have! It occurred to me and many teachers I work with that we should have been writing down the most hilarious and funny quotes from the kids we parent and work with...we'd have a book already!
Anyway, to correct this mistake, I started a new blog about "Enchanting Kids." The idea being to catalog and record the everyday statements, quotes, and one liners that just floor us as parents and professionals!
You can check out the new blog HERE!
Anyway, to correct this mistake, I started a new blog about "Enchanting Kids." The idea being to catalog and record the everyday statements, quotes, and one liners that just floor us as parents and professionals!
You can check out the new blog HERE!
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Recording Our Kids
Wow...
For the last 15 years I have worked with some of the most challenging youth in society. No big deal, but you know sometimes I wished I had recorded the things they say!
Kids say the most amazing things. Some say things that stop you in your tracks because the message is so real, so simple, and so true. Some say things that are from another galaxy and make no sense...to us.
Whatever they say...it can be hilarious! Funny enough to record and document I think. So that's what I am starting to do at "Enchanting Kids" blog. Please, PLEASE, feel free to add your experiences as a parent, teacher, nurse, counselor, language specialist, psychologist, social worker, principal, or any other kid related person!
Everyone I talk to has a story to share about kids. Share yours...
Until next time..
For the last 15 years I have worked with some of the most challenging youth in society. No big deal, but you know sometimes I wished I had recorded the things they say!
Kids say the most amazing things. Some say things that stop you in your tracks because the message is so real, so simple, and so true. Some say things that are from another galaxy and make no sense...to us.
Whatever they say...it can be hilarious! Funny enough to record and document I think. So that's what I am starting to do at "Enchanting Kids" blog. Please, PLEASE, feel free to add your experiences as a parent, teacher, nurse, counselor, language specialist, psychologist, social worker, principal, or any other kid related person!
Everyone I talk to has a story to share about kids. Share yours...
Until next time..
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
A Fishing Trip
You might have noticed I haven't posted in a couple of days. Here's what I was doing:
I flew south to the Florida-Gulf-Coast intending an annual Tarpon Fishing trip with my father. Fishing is a great family activity and there no better sport fish in the world than Tarpon. Each year tens of thousands of Tarpon move into the Boca Grande Pass on the gulf coast. They are there for a couple of months in a feeding frenzy (bunches of blue crabs).
Anyway, the trip was terrific except for the surprise Tropical Storm Barry that hit the area! But the whether calmed and we got out for some great fishing the next day.
Sorry for the absence, but strong families are made of connections and rituals like this fishing trip.
Young or old, it brings back the same feelings and way of connecting.
I flew south to the Florida-Gulf-Coast intending an annual Tarpon Fishing trip with my father. Fishing is a great family activity and there no better sport fish in the world than Tarpon. Each year tens of thousands of Tarpon move into the Boca Grande Pass on the gulf coast. They are there for a couple of months in a feeding frenzy (bunches of blue crabs).
Anyway, the trip was terrific except for the surprise Tropical Storm Barry that hit the area! But the whether calmed and we got out for some great fishing the next day.
Sorry for the absence, but strong families are made of connections and rituals like this fishing trip.
Young or old, it brings back the same feelings and way of connecting.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Problem Solving For Kids
Problem solving is an essential skill as young people grow. Promoting it the responsibility of parents, teachers, and really everyone who has influence with kids and teens.
How Does Chess Help?
Chess is a strategy game that presents both players with conflicts, infinite variables to process, and even pressure (time) to name just a few issues. In a chess game the players need to process information (a critical factor in problem solving). Often this requires the development of mathematical skills since players need to think ahead several moves, and several branches, creating (without knowing it) complex calculations in their minds. Players need to make choices all of the time that have a direct result or consequence. This teaches responsibility. A lazy approach won't do!
Start Chess For Kids and Young People
Access a local club or chess organization in your area. Chess is growing in schools and communities. There is a growing body of educational research that suggests remarkable results for kids who take part in organized chess study. Standardized scores are higher and improvement in math, reading (tracking), and logical analysis are areas of significant growth for young people who undergo formal chess training.
I have taught chess to kids and young adults for years and believe that it can also have some influence on behavior for some difficult to manage kids. I have seen it. Chess provides an arena for war, without doing harm. For aggressive people, it is perfect. It's amazing to watch kids with explosive disorders at the my work actually enjoy a tense chess game, even if they lose.
Here are some great chess links:
www.susanpolgar.blogspot.com
www.squirrelchess.com
www.chessbase.com
Also you can have a look at my new blog on chess: HERE
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Personal Development: Young People
I work with kids, parent kids, coach kids, and write about kids. That’s what I do. What ages? All ages really, and I love it.
The purpose of this blog is to highlight the importance of how we can help kids and young adults to grow up in a healthy and positive way. That’s a tall order really and I know it. But I am really confident that when you really have energy for important things…you usually come up with the best methods of attaining a goal.
My basic premise is that kids who grow up and become smart ( not just academically) are normally healthy, positive, and in some way trained to be strong and resilient through adversity. Normally this takes great parenting and a kid/teen who is resilient.
There are so many things that help kids/teens to become resilient and responsible young adults. I can think of many ideas that promote this type of self discipline…
- household chores
- childcare (home or neighbor)
- school work value
- valuing friendships (this must be an ongoing discussion especially with girls!)
- maintaining a job or even a scheduled web project such as the Lemonade Experiment (which my seven year old promotes).
The point is that kids who are involved in “thinking activities” usually have a better chance to be creative with innovative ideas. There’s so much to write about on this subject…so more later.
Ideas For Young People
I'm often asked to suggest ideas on how young kids and young adults can expand their creativity and even begin building a future for themselves. This is a huge area. I have thought for weeks about this and I have no easy answer because I believe that building a future requires not only rational thought but also motivation, commitment, creative ideas, but also time and persistence.
So in this article maybe I can offer a couple pointers to those wishing for an early start on effective ideas in adulthood.
Moon or Stars?
Most people dream, or daydream. Most people don't set a concrete GOAL, and of course never achieve what the really want. The actual percentage is estimated at about 10%...for those who set and achieve their goals. Can you be one of them?
It seems to me that a lot has to do with the actual goals and objectives you set...are they:
[sidebar: I would love to jump right in to discussing my ideas for young people to succeed in various areas but that would really rob us of a lot of meaningful discussion]
So in this article maybe I can offer a couple pointers to those wishing for an early start on effective ideas in adulthood.
Moon or Stars?
Most people dream, or daydream. Most people don't set a concrete GOAL, and of course never achieve what the really want. The actual percentage is estimated at about 10%...for those who set and achieve their goals. Can you be one of them?
It seems to me that a lot has to do with the actual goals and objectives you set...are they:
- realistic
- measureable
- attainable?
[sidebar: I would love to jump right in to discussing my ideas for young people to succeed in various areas but that would really rob us of a lot of meaningful discussion]
Personal Development
I am toying with the idea of beginning an entire website devoted to all aspects of personal development for young people. I feel well suited to write and collect useful information to support such a project.
I enjoy writing about subject such as personal growth, problem solving, exercise, life skills, education, relationships, behavior and even innovation. I envision that such a web-project could be very useful to millions of people. From young people, parents, teachers, coaches, or anyone interested in supporting young people to live a healthy and positive life.
If I decide to begin this I will certainly need to articulate my goal and set small daily objectives and tasks. Keeping a journal for many people is great way to track progress, stay on task, and stay motivated. This can be done privately in a notebook or publicly on a blog like this. I prefer a public journal/blog because there is some sense of accountability not only to myself but my readership too.
Anyway, I like this idea and will certainly think seriously about the project. I will update on it soon.
I enjoy writing about subject such as personal growth, problem solving, exercise, life skills, education, relationships, behavior and even innovation. I envision that such a web-project could be very useful to millions of people. From young people, parents, teachers, coaches, or anyone interested in supporting young people to live a healthy and positive life.
If I decide to begin this I will certainly need to articulate my goal and set small daily objectives and tasks. Keeping a journal for many people is great way to track progress, stay on task, and stay motivated. This can be done privately in a notebook or publicly on a blog like this. I prefer a public journal/blog because there is some sense of accountability not only to myself but my readership too.
Anyway, I like this idea and will certainly think seriously about the project. I will update on it soon.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Lemonade Experiment: Revised
When trying to engage my almost seven year old daughter in a discussion about making more money I ran into the popular "lemonade stand" idea. Great idea of course, but at the end of the day we have to take the stand down and I said to her "also, mostly we only have time to set it up on the weekends, like saturday...I said"..
"Why not figure a way to brainstorm an idea online that might someday lead to making money even when you aren't around?!" ...was my response. Here's where the conversation went next...
Well, my wise daughter said to me,
Lauren: "why not just ask people to contribute Fifty Cents each...and if enough people do it then I won't have to keep putting the lemonade stand up..."
Me: "How much do you want to make from this?"
Lauren: " I don't know..maybe I could make a million dollars !"
Me: "Why would people donate to you without getting anything?"
Lauren: " I don't know, maybe they want to help me!"
Me: "Why would people want to help someone they don't know?"
Lauren: " I don't know...the same reason you want me to help people that I don't know maybe..."
[sidebar: this statement killed me. After wondering if she hear's anything I say, she really really floored me with that.]
Lesson Time:
So this is what I proposed: She could ask for donations but only if she is willing to GIVE something in return. She has agreed to give:
The idea was to promote her spirit of giving to others and also allow her to
So I decided to compromise and said that I would help her cause on this blog and if her donations exceeded her lemonade stand earnings than we will start her a full time website at the end of the summer. Her future site will be "The Lemonade Experiment" (or something similar :) So this starts the official "Lemonade Experiment For Wealth." You may donate to her cause on this page. If She succeeds we will start a new website that will be seen around the world as "The Lemonade Experiment."
The idea was to promote her spirit of giving to others and also allow her to experience a healthy respect for money and open her eyes to the internet in a positive way.
When You feel the urge to donate to this cause/experiment go here:
Good luck Lauren! I will keep results posted here. You can donate her prescribed "50 cents" or whatever you choose when you push the "make donation" button. I programmed it so that you can put in whatever you like for donation.
"Why not figure a way to brainstorm an idea online that might someday lead to making money even when you aren't around?!" ...was my response. Here's where the conversation went next...
Well, my wise daughter said to me,
Lauren: "why not just ask people to contribute Fifty Cents each...and if enough people do it then I won't have to keep putting the lemonade stand up..."
Me: "How much do you want to make from this?"
Lauren: " I don't know..maybe I could make a million dollars !"
Me: "Why would people donate to you without getting anything?"
Lauren: " I don't know, maybe they want to help me!"
Me: "Why would people want to help someone they don't know?"
Lauren: " I don't know...the same reason you want me to help people that I don't know maybe..."
[sidebar: this statement killed me. After wondering if she hear's anything I say, she really really floored me with that.]
Lesson Time:
So this is what I proposed: She could ask for donations but only if she is willing to GIVE something in return. She has agreed to give:
The idea was to promote her spirit of giving to others and also allow her to
- A real, custom picture deliverable by mail to a child afflicted with cancer for every $5.00 earned. She's a fantastic artist.
So I decided to compromise and said that I would help her cause on this blog and if her donations exceeded her lemonade stand earnings than we will start her a full time website at the end of the summer. Her future site will be "The Lemonade Experiment" (or something similar :) So this starts the official "Lemonade Experiment For Wealth." You may donate to her cause on this page. If She succeeds we will start a new website that will be seen around the world as "The Lemonade Experiment."
The idea was to promote her spirit of giving to others and also allow her to experience a healthy respect for money and open her eyes to the internet in a positive way.
When You feel the urge to donate to this cause/experiment go here:
Good luck Lauren! I will keep results posted here. You can donate her prescribed "50 cents" or whatever you choose when you push the "make donation" button. I programmed it so that you can put in whatever you like for donation.
Excercise...some thoughts
Today I got home and decided I would take my two girls on a jog! Not so easy to accomplish when my wife was heading off to work (she's an outstanding Physical Therapist) and I'm left with the two highly energetic kids (ages 7 (almost) and 2 and a half).
Anyway, I managed it. I told my oldest that we were going for a run (she happens to be fast, but rather unmotivated to use this skill at the moment). So she strapped on her sneaks and I broke out the navigator. Umm, the navigator is our wagon...
I put my youngest in the wagon-she wanted none of it-and off we went. We jogged a half mile to the park. We took a break to swing and play tag then got back to jogging. This time we had a little further to go and my oldest did great. She developed a cramp but I put on my "coach" hat and told her to work through the pain! It's amazing. Why?...?
If I told her to work through the pain of cleaning her room...I would meet with all kinds of resistance. But there's something about exercise that drives people. I really mean it. She worked through it and finished. Actually, I even let Meghan (Two and a half) out and she ran a full quarter mile without stopping, mostly up hill! Go Megster!
They were both so proud of themselves at the end. It was electric!
The Point:
Exercise is medicine. Give it to your kids everyday.
Anyway, I managed it. I told my oldest that we were going for a run (she happens to be fast, but rather unmotivated to use this skill at the moment). So she strapped on her sneaks and I broke out the navigator. Umm, the navigator is our wagon...
I put my youngest in the wagon-she wanted none of it-and off we went. We jogged a half mile to the park. We took a break to swing and play tag then got back to jogging. This time we had a little further to go and my oldest did great. She developed a cramp but I put on my "coach" hat and told her to work through the pain! It's amazing. Why?...?
If I told her to work through the pain of cleaning her room...I would meet with all kinds of resistance. But there's something about exercise that drives people. I really mean it. She worked through it and finished. Actually, I even let Meghan (Two and a half) out and she ran a full quarter mile without stopping, mostly up hill! Go Megster!
They were both so proud of themselves at the end. It was electric!
The Point:
Exercise is medicine. Give it to your kids everyday.
Busy busy busy...Finding Balance
What a busy life. I know tons of families with children and they do everything. Some have their kids in swimming, piano, soccer, chess, foriegn language and more all at the same time! Well, it works for them.
Keeping children busy has some major advantages but can be downright comsuming on the parents too. The flip side to filling up each day is to structure no activities for your kids.
Doing Nothing:
For my (almost) seven year old we have recently had some downtime between activities. The increased free time combined with the extended daylight hours have led to much more unstructured time for her. Some kids handle this well and some not so well. In our case I think she struggles and does not exercise good judgment with the inreased time on her hands.
What I am learning from my daughter is that she needs to be challenged and even structured a little more in order to do her best. Sure, she has no trouble keeping busy for a while, but there are limits.
Tuning In:
Tuning in to the difference in kids behavior is the first step in helping them. All kids need some guidance in "self management." By being a good observer we can promote communication and problem solving in our youngers. While not over-doing it I'll plan to add some activities back into her daily schedule. This will be particularly important in the Summer when school is out.
Happy parenting...
Keeping children busy has some major advantages but can be downright comsuming on the parents too. The flip side to filling up each day is to structure no activities for your kids.
Doing Nothing:
For my (almost) seven year old we have recently had some downtime between activities. The increased free time combined with the extended daylight hours have led to much more unstructured time for her. Some kids handle this well and some not so well. In our case I think she struggles and does not exercise good judgment with the inreased time on her hands.
What I am learning from my daughter is that she needs to be challenged and even structured a little more in order to do her best. Sure, she has no trouble keeping busy for a while, but there are limits.
Tuning In:
Tuning in to the difference in kids behavior is the first step in helping them. All kids need some guidance in "self management." By being a good observer we can promote communication and problem solving in our youngers. While not over-doing it I'll plan to add some activities back into her daily schedule. This will be particularly important in the Summer when school is out.
Happy parenting...
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Lemonade Experiment
When trying to engage my almost seven year old daughter in a discussion about making more money I ran into the popular "lemonade stand" idea. Great idea of course, but at the end of the day we have to take the stand down and I said to her "also, mostly we only have time to set it up on the weekends, like saturday...I said"..
"Why not figure a way to brainstorm an idea online that might someday lead to making money even when you aren't around?!" ...was my response. Here's where the conversation went next...
Well, my wise daughter said to me,
Lauren: "why not just ask people to contribute Fifty Cents each...and if enough people do it then I won't have to keep putting the lemonade stand up..."
Me: "How much do you want to make from this?"
Lauren: " I don't know..maybe I could make a website lemonade stand!"
Me: "Why would people donate to you without getting anything?"
Lauren: " I don't know, maybe they want to help me!"
Me: "Why would people want to help someone they don't know?"
Lauren: " I don't know...the same reason you want me to help people that I don't know maybe..."
[sidebar: this statement killed me. After wondering if she hear's anything I say, she really really floored me with that.]
So this is what I proposed: She could ask for donations but only if she is willing to GIVE something in return. She has agreed to give:
The Lemonade Experiment
So I decided to compromise and said that I would help her cause on this blog and if her donations exceeded her lemonade stand earnings than we will start her a full time website at the end of the summer. Her future site will be "The Lemonade Experiment" (or something similar :) So this starts the official "Lemonade Experiment For Wealth." You may donate to her cause on this page. If She succeeds we will start a new website that will be seen around the world as "The Lemonade Experiment." check your sidebar on top to help her out! ---->)
Good luck Lauren! I will keep results posted here. You can donate her prescribed "50 cents" or whatever you choose when you push the "make donation" button. I programmed it so that you can put in whatever you like for donation.
"Why not figure a way to brainstorm an idea online that might someday lead to making money even when you aren't around?!" ...was my response. Here's where the conversation went next...
Well, my wise daughter said to me,
Lauren: "why not just ask people to contribute Fifty Cents each...and if enough people do it then I won't have to keep putting the lemonade stand up..."
Me: "How much do you want to make from this?"
Lauren: " I don't know..maybe I could make a website lemonade stand!"
Me: "Why would people donate to you without getting anything?"
Lauren: " I don't know, maybe they want to help me!"
Me: "Why would people want to help someone they don't know?"
Lauren: " I don't know...the same reason you want me to help people that I don't know maybe..."
[sidebar: this statement killed me. After wondering if she hear's anything I say, she really really floored me with that.]
So this is what I proposed: She could ask for donations but only if she is willing to GIVE something in return. She has agreed to give:
- A real, custom picture deliverable by mail to a child afflicted with cancer for every $5.00 earned. She's a fantastic artist.
The Lemonade Experiment
So I decided to compromise and said that I would help her cause on this blog and if her donations exceeded her lemonade stand earnings than we will start her a full time website at the end of the summer. Her future site will be "The Lemonade Experiment" (or something similar :) So this starts the official "Lemonade Experiment For Wealth." You may donate to her cause on this page. If She succeeds we will start a new website that will be seen around the world as "The Lemonade Experiment." check your sidebar on top to help her out! ---->)
Good luck Lauren! I will keep results posted here. You can donate her prescribed "50 cents" or whatever you choose when you push the "make donation" button. I programmed it so that you can put in whatever you like for donation.
Time-out
A different type of time out here:
Just taking time-out to wish all of you a happy Memorial Day weekend. With any observance, examine the purpose and make something of it...
Until next time...
Stay well, progress, and live...
TR
Just taking time-out to wish all of you a happy Memorial Day weekend. With any observance, examine the purpose and make something of it...
Until next time...
Stay well, progress, and live...
TR
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Is Belonging Important?
I recently was listening to a story about a 10 year old boy who felt like killing himself. In fact, he nearly attempted to with a knife before his parents intervened. Tragic and all too common.
He's become known as the evil child in a growing family since his parents divorced when he was quite young. He visits his father for summers and is with his brother and two half siblings during the school year. His parents are hard working, caring, and intelligent professionals. How can this happen?
It brings me back to the fundamental need for all people: belonging. This boy feels left out and alone. He does not feel accepted by his step father, as there have now been two children to come after he was for years the youngest child in the newly formed family. Feeling left out in these situations of blended families is of huge importance and demands significant attention from the parents.
Is That All It Takes?
Is that all it takes to go to such extremes? Well, when other "warning signs" have not attracted enough attention to a childs desperate attempts to communicate, it can lead to more severe attempts to communicate such as self harm, running away, or even increasing mischief type behavior (conduct disorder). If a child can communicate assertively and is really listened to, most likely we don't see these extreme measures.
Recognize:
We must recognize that at least 90% of behavioral problems have a source of imbalance. Most often, a fundamental emotional need isn't being met. We can categorize the basic needs as William Glasser did years ago: Love, Power, Freedom, Fun, and Belonging. This child didn't feel like he belonged anymore...he felt left out and unaccepted. The feeling became reinforced over time when his negative attention seeking behaviors led to a further feeling of rejection.
Search for the answer in an honest and open way, considering our basic psychological needs.
He's become known as the evil child in a growing family since his parents divorced when he was quite young. He visits his father for summers and is with his brother and two half siblings during the school year. His parents are hard working, caring, and intelligent professionals. How can this happen?
It brings me back to the fundamental need for all people: belonging. This boy feels left out and alone. He does not feel accepted by his step father, as there have now been two children to come after he was for years the youngest child in the newly formed family. Feeling left out in these situations of blended families is of huge importance and demands significant attention from the parents.
Is That All It Takes?
Is that all it takes to go to such extremes? Well, when other "warning signs" have not attracted enough attention to a childs desperate attempts to communicate, it can lead to more severe attempts to communicate such as self harm, running away, or even increasing mischief type behavior (conduct disorder). If a child can communicate assertively and is really listened to, most likely we don't see these extreme measures.
Recognize:
We must recognize that at least 90% of behavioral problems have a source of imbalance. Most often, a fundamental emotional need isn't being met. We can categorize the basic needs as William Glasser did years ago: Love, Power, Freedom, Fun, and Belonging. This child didn't feel like he belonged anymore...he felt left out and unaccepted. The feeling became reinforced over time when his negative attention seeking behaviors led to a further feeling of rejection.
Search for the answer in an honest and open way, considering our basic psychological needs.
Friday, May 25, 2007
When Discipline Hasn't Worked: Finding Competence
I was at a team meeting about a eight year old boy in our school. This is a boy who has been referred for support or crisis services over 430 times in the past two years. His behavior ranges from excessive activity level to severe oppositional defiance and disruption. Specifically he yells endlessly, throws objects, runs from class, engages in name calling, and refuses to engage in school work. Even when all demands are removed these behaviors have emerged.
He is also a boy who has rather poor hygiene and is relatively uncoordinated. His intellegence is very low average. Language skill deficits exist as well as a language processing problems. Pscyho-social development is severely delayed and he could be seen as having a reactive-attachment disorder of infancy.
With all of the skill deficits socially, behaviorally, and language based it is hard to search for areas of competence. But talking about what he can't do surely isn't helpful.
In order to maintain such a student in a school environment it requires massive energy and coordination of services. Even with a 1:1 assistant, counseling, crisis support services, speech and language services, and grossly relaxed demands it is a major challenge. In fact, there are times when I question whether it is the best way.
But while we have students who are so involved we have to find areas of competence to work with. It's imperative. For our student described above we described "play" as his most significant area of competence. The good news is that a lot of learning can happen within play if done right. The bad news is that this student doesn't play so well with other children so most of this happends with a support adult.
By finding areas of competence for children we can engage and hopefully expand their skills and abilities, and maybe even their interests. I guess the point is when normal discipline or even behavior therapy seems inadequate, it can help to try re-examining strengths and areas of competence no matter how tiny they are.
He is also a boy who has rather poor hygiene and is relatively uncoordinated. His intellegence is very low average. Language skill deficits exist as well as a language processing problems. Pscyho-social development is severely delayed and he could be seen as having a reactive-attachment disorder of infancy.
With all of the skill deficits socially, behaviorally, and language based it is hard to search for areas of competence. But talking about what he can't do surely isn't helpful.
In order to maintain such a student in a school environment it requires massive energy and coordination of services. Even with a 1:1 assistant, counseling, crisis support services, speech and language services, and grossly relaxed demands it is a major challenge. In fact, there are times when I question whether it is the best way.
But while we have students who are so involved we have to find areas of competence to work with. It's imperative. For our student described above we described "play" as his most significant area of competence. The good news is that a lot of learning can happen within play if done right. The bad news is that this student doesn't play so well with other children so most of this happends with a support adult.
By finding areas of competence for children we can engage and hopefully expand their skills and abilities, and maybe even their interests. I guess the point is when normal discipline or even behavior therapy seems inadequate, it can help to try re-examining strengths and areas of competence no matter how tiny they are.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A Tough Day
Even the most seasoned ...parents, teachers, counselors, teaching assistants, and principals have a day that exceeds their limits. Let's face it, we're only human! In my case, along with many of my colleagues, we deal with an average of 8-15 crises per day. Now, each can last from 5 minutes to 6 hours...really! Our goal is to support children who are unable to succeed in school/class. But that is not as easy as it seems, most times. The truth is that there are many factors that lead to crisis for children and adults. One of the jobs of a professional in the mental health field is to identify, assess, and create an intervention plan for these types of situations.
Identifying:
How do you identify a crisis? Or more specifically, how do you identify a crisis that warrants the attention of mental health professionals and/or the police?
These are the questions that some school and parents face. In the "day-treatment" type of school I service, we face these troubles routinely. How do we handle these times? More on that with "Intervention." But for now it's most important to first become AWARE that a crisis is happening. Then, we can act accordingly. In any crisis, we have to have an understanding of ourselves and what we want to get out of the situation. Mostly, we are aiming for a safe resolution or some type of basic learning from a crisis incident.
Assessment:
Assessing the severity of a crisis situation is critical. It's hard to stress enough that the importance of therapeutic rapport with the acting-out person has a major impact on the resolution of the crisis. This applies even with young, psychotic, or mood disordered kids.
Knowing and connecting (in their "good times") with troubled kids has serious power. It can be the difference between a successful intervention or a physical altercation...
Self injuious behavior is a major factor, especially if patterned, that helps to determine the course of action/intervention. If severe, the child most often requires hospitalization or some type of secure respite. Sometimes this intervention is avoidable if the family is able to respond in a proactive and positive way that supports safety within the home. Cooperative relationships are critical in this case...
More later on crisis intervention...
Identifying:
How do you identify a crisis? Or more specifically, how do you identify a crisis that warrants the attention of mental health professionals and/or the police?
These are the questions that some school and parents face. In the "day-treatment" type of school I service, we face these troubles routinely. How do we handle these times? More on that with "Intervention." But for now it's most important to first become AWARE that a crisis is happening. Then, we can act accordingly. In any crisis, we have to have an understanding of ourselves and what we want to get out of the situation. Mostly, we are aiming for a safe resolution or some type of basic learning from a crisis incident.
Assessment:
Assessing the severity of a crisis situation is critical. It's hard to stress enough that the importance of therapeutic rapport with the acting-out person has a major impact on the resolution of the crisis. This applies even with young, psychotic, or mood disordered kids.
Knowing and connecting (in their "good times") with troubled kids has serious power. It can be the difference between a successful intervention or a physical altercation...
Self injuious behavior is a major factor, especially if patterned, that helps to determine the course of action/intervention. If severe, the child most often requires hospitalization or some type of secure respite. Sometimes this intervention is avoidable if the family is able to respond in a proactive and positive way that supports safety within the home. Cooperative relationships are critical in this case...
More later on crisis intervention...
Monday, May 21, 2007
HouseKeeping
A bit of housekeeping this post: Technorati Profile
In order to spread the word about "Raising Strong Kids" I continually join the most popular networks and helpful search recognition sites. Incidentally this gave me a chance to explain (the best I could) some ideas about how websites become popular to my (almost) seven year old daughter. Her site that she occasionally toys with is the free site CoolKids
Anyway, this post has mostly to do with a registration with Technorati which is basically the center of the blog universe :)
In order to spread the word about "Raising Strong Kids" I continually join the most popular networks and helpful search recognition sites. Incidentally this gave me a chance to explain (the best I could) some ideas about how websites become popular to my (almost) seven year old daughter. Her site that she occasionally toys with is the free site CoolKids
Anyway, this post has mostly to do with a registration with Technorati which is basically the center of the blog universe :)
Friday, May 18, 2007
Setting Limits..With Questions?
Limit setting with kids can be difficult. This relates to my former post on Discipline: what is it?
When it comes time to actually set and enforce limits there can be a couple of results. One result is that a limit is set and it is followed. Simple. Sometimes there is a bit of complaining (mildly testing limits) but ultimately the limit is followed. Then there are the times where testing limits happen on a more serious level. These are most likely to result in some form of power struggle between adult and child.
One way to manage limits and keep power struggles to a minimum is using questions. Essentially when a child "challenges" a limit they are both questioning authority and experimenting with their own power. With careful attention the adult can answer a youngster's questioning behavior with a question. Here's a very basic example:
Jane, age 7, is nearing her bedtime (8:00pm for example). It's 7:45 in this example. Bedtime is defined as being ready to get into bed, not starting the bedtime routine of reading, brushing teeth, getting PJ's on, etc. Jane begins to question and negotiate the idea of playing her new playstation game just for a little bit before bed. Although this is a basic test of a bedtime agreement it is one that could turn ugly if allowed to.
[sidebar: To help this work, adults and kids need to negotiate "rules" as kids grow and expand their need for power and freedom. Sometimes the word -rule- can set up a negative script, I prefer the use of an agreement. An agreement is inherently inclusive of both parties participation.
Question #1
"Jane is it getting close to 8:00, and, is there enough time for everything else to be taken care of first to keep our bedtime agreement?" The use of this question encourages a couple of things:
Question #2
"I hear that you want to play it really badly, and have you considered how that will affect your bedtime and ability to play your game tomorrow? "
When it comes time to actually set and enforce limits there can be a couple of results. One result is that a limit is set and it is followed. Simple. Sometimes there is a bit of complaining (mildly testing limits) but ultimately the limit is followed. Then there are the times where testing limits happen on a more serious level. These are most likely to result in some form of power struggle between adult and child.
One way to manage limits and keep power struggles to a minimum is using questions. Essentially when a child "challenges" a limit they are both questioning authority and experimenting with their own power. With careful attention the adult can answer a youngster's questioning behavior with a question. Here's a very basic example:
Jane, age 7, is nearing her bedtime (8:00pm for example). It's 7:45 in this example. Bedtime is defined as being ready to get into bed, not starting the bedtime routine of reading, brushing teeth, getting PJ's on, etc. Jane begins to question and negotiate the idea of playing her new playstation game just for a little bit before bed. Although this is a basic test of a bedtime agreement it is one that could turn ugly if allowed to.
[sidebar: To help this work, adults and kids need to negotiate "rules" as kids grow and expand their need for power and freedom. Sometimes the word -rule- can set up a negative script, I prefer the use of an agreement. An agreement is inherently inclusive of both parties participation.
Question #1
"Jane is it getting close to 8:00, and, is there enough time for everything else to be taken care of first to keep our bedtime agreement?" The use of this question encourages a couple of things:
- responsibility in Jane, for she retains some power and is forced to practice some self monitoring skills regarding her remaining minutes until the bedtime agreement.
- a presupposition that includes holding to the "agreement" or agreed bedtime for Jane. By presupposing the adult is not forced to argue or make a "top-down" decision...it is a negotiation.
Question #2
"I hear that you want to play it really badly, and have you considered how that will affect your bedtime and ability to play your game tomorrow? "
- The use of the word --and-- instead of --but--. Language is powerful. When we hear "yes, but..." we automatically feel a sense that our idea was defeated. In this example you are validating her wish to play AND refocusing her on the consequences of breaking her agreement.
- still the adult is not taking an authoritative stance, but is guiding Jane to think and evaluate consequences. This might not have gotten this far if the adult went right to "rule enforcement" mindset.
- there is still room for "rule enforcement" but we have introduced the possibility that Jane can make the right choice for herself and this practice of decision making will encourage it's own sense of power and freedom. It encourages self-discipline and self-control.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Discipline: What Is It?
In working with children, teachers, school administrators, and families the topic of discipline comes up all the time. But before we can enter a meaningful discussion on discipline we first need to speak the same language. For some the idea of discipline is simply about following rules while others see discipline in an entirely different way.
How do you describe discipline?
True, in a military sense discipline would mean "training to act in accordance with rules; drill." When working with children, especially less resilient kids, a different framework or interpretation may be helpful. In our work with children of all ages it is vital to recognize children who lack self-esteem or have a negative view of adults present a serious challenge when discipline in the military sense is required of them. Instead, a change of how we view discipline can be helpful.
Often it helps to view discipline as a process of teaching. But what to teach? Do we teach about what the rules are? Maybe. Or is it more helpful to foster one's own self-discipline and self-worth so that they feel a greater sense of power, control, and security in their lives? With fragile and highly sensitive kids this becomes a profound distinction. Let's look at this practically from a real case example.
Case Study #1 (all names have been changed)
Johnny, aged 10, has a great sense of humor and enjoys game play. He is able to laugh at himself upon supported reflection but struggles with organization, focusing, and often interrupts class lessons. He frustrates easily especially with friendships and "constructive criticism" (rule enforcement). Johnny has a history of sexual abuse and the parenting styles between his mother (highly emotional) and father (discipline, military style) differ greatly. Johnny came for support after receiving adult feedback from his teacher that he needed an "attitude adjustment." The teacher reported that he was not respectful to peers or adults and needed a better attitude before returning.
His view of the problem was that he felt that the teacher always picked someone else first in line and that he really wanted to be first. He described in his own way that he felt that the teacher wouldn't listen to his side and that she wanted him to be perfect. There was more to the story (often is) but suffice it to say that this view was not shared by the teacher (the two "realities" clash). To address this problem it was important to recognize and tune in to Johnny's view of the adults in his life and to recognize his main strengths. As often happens Johnny made a parallel comparison of his teacher and his father who he describes as "he always wants me to be perfect." We understood Johnny's perception/reality and together devised a plan to help.
Intervention:
After some attentive listening I wondered with him if he wanted to make his line-up problem a game (he likes games remember). Johnny laughed and agreed that this was a great idea. Together we made a list of all the great things about actually being at the back of the line! He decided there were many positives to being at the back such as "you get to see who's messing around" and there's no chance of being bumped into or people playing tricks on you." We decided to try this for one week (his suggestion) and that every time it was time to line up Johnny would volunteer to be last. We agreed that if the teacher rejected his idea that he would comply and go where she told him to go. In doing this "experiment" it was important to build a future picture for Johnny and reframe the problem. Normally future-oriented questions are useful in doing this.
Questions:
1. Who will notice first that you are actually volunteering to be at the back!?
2. What will that person say or do to let you know that they noticed this difference!?
3. After one week of winning at this game how do you want to be rewarded?
4. Hey, how confident are you that you can win and continue this for the whole week?
Other questions were used too, all with a future-orientation in order to build the new reality. We find it important to project with kids about possible "hurdles" along the way in order to prepare them.
Result: Johnny's "attitude" changed immediately when he was able to change the framework of rule following into some game play (teaching self-discipline). In this case it's easy to see that the game play was really a lesson in self-discipline and practicing self-control. For a kid who "always wanted to be first" to a kid who could practice planned self-restraint this game worked for him.
By the way, the reward he chose was a special lunch in the "support room."
How do you describe discipline?
True, in a military sense discipline would mean "training to act in accordance with rules; drill." When working with children, especially less resilient kids, a different framework or interpretation may be helpful. In our work with children of all ages it is vital to recognize children who lack self-esteem or have a negative view of adults present a serious challenge when discipline in the military sense is required of them. Instead, a change of how we view discipline can be helpful.
Often it helps to view discipline as a process of teaching. But what to teach? Do we teach about what the rules are? Maybe. Or is it more helpful to foster one's own self-discipline and self-worth so that they feel a greater sense of power, control, and security in their lives? With fragile and highly sensitive kids this becomes a profound distinction. Let's look at this practically from a real case example.
Case Study #1 (all names have been changed)
Johnny, aged 10, has a great sense of humor and enjoys game play. He is able to laugh at himself upon supported reflection but struggles with organization, focusing, and often interrupts class lessons. He frustrates easily especially with friendships and "constructive criticism" (rule enforcement). Johnny has a history of sexual abuse and the parenting styles between his mother (highly emotional) and father (discipline, military style) differ greatly. Johnny came for support after receiving adult feedback from his teacher that he needed an "attitude adjustment." The teacher reported that he was not respectful to peers or adults and needed a better attitude before returning.
His view of the problem was that he felt that the teacher always picked someone else first in line and that he really wanted to be first. He described in his own way that he felt that the teacher wouldn't listen to his side and that she wanted him to be perfect. There was more to the story (often is) but suffice it to say that this view was not shared by the teacher (the two "realities" clash). To address this problem it was important to recognize and tune in to Johnny's view of the adults in his life and to recognize his main strengths. As often happens Johnny made a parallel comparison of his teacher and his father who he describes as "he always wants me to be perfect." We understood Johnny's perception/reality and together devised a plan to help.
Intervention:
After some attentive listening I wondered with him if he wanted to make his line-up problem a game (he likes games remember). Johnny laughed and agreed that this was a great idea. Together we made a list of all the great things about actually being at the back of the line! He decided there were many positives to being at the back such as "you get to see who's messing around" and there's no chance of being bumped into or people playing tricks on you." We decided to try this for one week (his suggestion) and that every time it was time to line up Johnny would volunteer to be last. We agreed that if the teacher rejected his idea that he would comply and go where she told him to go. In doing this "experiment" it was important to build a future picture for Johnny and reframe the problem. Normally future-oriented questions are useful in doing this.
Questions:
1. Who will notice first that you are actually volunteering to be at the back!?
2. What will that person say or do to let you know that they noticed this difference!?
3. After one week of winning at this game how do you want to be rewarded?
4. Hey, how confident are you that you can win and continue this for the whole week?
Other questions were used too, all with a future-orientation in order to build the new reality. We find it important to project with kids about possible "hurdles" along the way in order to prepare them.
Result: Johnny's "attitude" changed immediately when he was able to change the framework of rule following into some game play (teaching self-discipline). In this case it's easy to see that the game play was really a lesson in self-discipline and practicing self-control. For a kid who "always wanted to be first" to a kid who could practice planned self-restraint this game worked for him.
By the way, the reward he chose was a special lunch in the "support room."
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Team or Individual?
When kids are between the age of 6-10 there are some observations to make about how they prefer to associate with others. This arises especially with many activities...sports being one category. Without getting into generalizing too much, the temperament and resilience of your child can have a big impact on what activities they choose to tolerate. Please remember this isn't a "good" or "bad" thing, it's more about understanding your kid in order to help them develop a positive mindset and image of themselves. It might also help you when you are encouraging activities for your child.
The idea of how children prefer to associate with peers is often illustrated through various sports, groups, clubs, and even on the playground. Some questions can help guide us.
1. Does your child prefer larger groups while playing?
2. Does your child prefer singular or group sports? (soccer and softball or gymnastics and dance...just examples).
3. What do you notice about your child when there are more or less children around them.
4. How does your child tolerate competitive activites: in large groups and/or one on one?
The answers to these questions are not concrete. We know that children can change overnight, but what's important is to "tune-in" to you child. To do this we sometimes have to let go of our "image" of our child that is based on our own expectations or wishes. Remember that the esteem and resilient mindset is what you are aiming to foster in your child.
Kids who tend to be more individually oriented might enjoy some expressive projects. Here's an example, although it's quite new she's put some time and expression toward it: CoolKids
The idea of how children prefer to associate with peers is often illustrated through various sports, groups, clubs, and even on the playground. Some questions can help guide us.
1. Does your child prefer larger groups while playing?
2. Does your child prefer singular or group sports? (soccer and softball or gymnastics and dance...just examples).
3. What do you notice about your child when there are more or less children around them.
4. How does your child tolerate competitive activites: in large groups and/or one on one?
The answers to these questions are not concrete. We know that children can change overnight, but what's important is to "tune-in" to you child. To do this we sometimes have to let go of our "image" of our child that is based on our own expectations or wishes. Remember that the esteem and resilient mindset is what you are aiming to foster in your child.
Kids who tend to be more individually oriented might enjoy some expressive projects. Here's an example, although it's quite new she's put some time and expression toward it: CoolKids
Resilient Kids, Flexible Adults
When I invited Dr. Robert Brooks to speak at our school for behaviorally and emotionally disturbed kids in May 2002 we packed the place. He spoke about the topic of his new book "Raising Resilient Children." As it says on the title the book is about "fostering strength, hope, and optimism in your child." Dr. Brooks and his writings have had a powerful impact on my mindset to raising my own children and when working with the behaviorally challenged youth at my school.
My work involves helping children in crisis. That's behavioral crisis, emotional crisis, and usually a combination of both. Children come of a large geographic area that includes 5 counties and over 30 school districts. Our maximum capacity is 42 kids that are divided into 7 classes. On average we receive about 12-20 acute behavioral crises each day.
In the future I'll be sharing many of the ways we support some of the most fragile children and family systems. Stay tuned...
Also check out another resource: RaisingStrongKids..a free lens I created for viewing.
My work involves helping children in crisis. That's behavioral crisis, emotional crisis, and usually a combination of both. Children come of a large geographic area that includes 5 counties and over 30 school districts. Our maximum capacity is 42 kids that are divided into 7 classes. On average we receive about 12-20 acute behavioral crises each day.
In the future I'll be sharing many of the ways we support some of the most fragile children and family systems. Stay tuned...
Also check out another resource: RaisingStrongKids..a free lens I created for viewing.
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